Poetry

I love to write. I used to write a lot of poetry before I learned how to say what I really meant. I hope you like the, they are from a darker time in life. None the less, a piece of me.

I once wrote
of the hurt ive endured
but now i write of
boredom
mystery
and
my insecurities
my writing skills
rusty
my heart
still tarnished
i write of this world
and then paint it on a wall
“i don’t know what’s worth fighting for”
no longer know
if anything’s worth what it cost
somebody redirect me
somebody give me more than just my own intuition
I’m fighting to breath
but alls I ever see
all my misconceptions
of what reality’s supposed to be
they say its all to hard on myself
but if the world is not what I hate
but the me that’s really conceived
where is my guidance coming from
and when do I believe????

***

You’ve once again
spoke words of empty promises
and talked
as if you really meant it!

You cant give up
when you never tried
you cant hold me
when your really not there
I cant be the one you kiss
when I don’t love you for you
but for the idea
of loving you

I hate the route
we’ve took
but its one you’ve chosen
and the fate
of our “relationship”
its the hand I was dealt
but now
that I’ve made my deal
I’m done!

You handle the consequences
of your confusion
I give it all back
the hurt
the pain
my sorrow is now yours!

You’re no longer my darkness
I’ve inverted it
SO GET OUT!!
I release you from
the obligation of my heart
but most of all
I release my self
into a new torrent
where the waters never been
so fresh
and my heart so chaste

so the next time
you say you love me
my response will be as simple
as your initiation

a kiss on the cheek
a wink of my eye
because id of already known
it was a long time ago
when I decided to say goodbye!!!!

****
Cant help
but to loose control again
forgetting what it was like
to have a grip
remembering the pain
that surged through me like
a lightning bolt through your head
life has its ups and downs
but the severity of your up
will never surpass its down
you fall and hit the bottom
like you never new it was there
having a 20 pound weight
once you open one eye
closing it once and beginning to cry
when does it all stop
all these emotions inside
when can I awake
and begin to fly
all this negativity
is enough to make you quit
but all I can remember is my up
and how addicting it can be
I wont lower my head in humility
but embrace with my heart
what it is I can see
a life worth living
a cause worth the fight
an emotion worth a tear
and my heart worth the sight
I can see its time to make a move
alls it is, is a choice
and now its time to choose
which route do I take?
Either way I know I wont loose
I hate that,
you will never accept my life,
I hate that,
I will never be good enough;
A portrait that will never be painted,
because im not you.
I hate that,
you remind me,
everyday,
of what Im not.
I hate that,
in your presence,
I don’t feel complete.
Your expectations are set,
not of what you see for me,
but of what you’ve seen
and cant achieve!
Im young and gay,
two qualities to which,
in your eyes,
define WHO I am,
you obviously forgot WHAT I am,
Your Son,
an existence,
imaged after you.
I’ve been proud every day to speak your name and of who you are.
But now,
Everyday that pass’s
every minute,
you constantly remind me,
I stand incomplete,
that I would be better
if I sat in your seat.
I hope you realize what it is you are pushing away,
you’ve pushed your mom,
you’ve pushed a brother or sister or two,
but now you’ve pushed,
your hope for a portrait
painted after you…

***

Leave me a key;
I don’t know when I’ll be back.
My heart’s shattered,
and I’m lost.
Between East and West,
on a path North and South.
It seems more of life’s journey,
Maybe ill just travel the parameter.
Not dipping my feet in to far.
Why is it just one song?
Playing over and over on my radio?
Why is it the same lyrics,
with no sustenance recording over in my head?
Ill hate you for loving me
my masterpiece is nowhere near complete.
Without it
I could never love you for yours
Please forgive me,
I’m lost and have decided to run.
I’ll cop out,
and you’ll wish you never loved
the unknowing.
And I’ll wish I didn’t know
you loved me for me.

***

Im sleeping
Are you dreaming?
Im crying
Are we weeping?
Im dreaming songs
Are you singing?
What happened?
You stopped believing
Were we meant to be?
Or was it lust between you and me
It happened
Why is it I couldn’t see???

***

The sun setting closer
The moon rising farther
Wind breezing faster
Water rising higher
Sand getting hotter
Rocks wetter than ever
Smells getting deeper
Taste getting stronger
Life’s almost over
But eternity getting bolder
Having to keep starting over
Never finishing through
You’ll find this keeps on happening
When your world splits in you

***

Go see the other side
Stuck in a hole
Waking up to a world of misplaced faces
Going to sleep in my world of disturbed races
Lying to the combustion
Of the world split in you
Lying awake at night
Thinking my world will die too
Hatred is building inside
I wish my world could thrive
Turn it inside out
Lock that universe inside
Let my world out
Mount your theories
Cause im about to shout
All ya’ll mother fucka’s
Are going to torture too
Cause when my wrath is through
You’ll wish you died too

***

My doors are swung open
My life cut in two
My heart was torn
At just the thought of you
Feelings coming back
My lungs turning black
The setting is too intense
My love is just a remembrance
A memory what you meant
And just to keep my content
I sleep and dream of you
Just to show this is true

***

Soar through aching raw skin
That incubates the frantic madness
That you and I must lather in
There as we scream
Shadows of eternity
Look threw crushing manipulative lives
To see the lousiness light at my side of the tunnel

Wondering through this abyss
Misunderstandings and
Issues of being lost
Confused
It’s just the way it is

***

Why are you so blind?
Your def perception
Realize the ones you
Hurt
You and me
Singing moods
Crying laughs
So confused
To much on your plate
To much to eat
Sweet nectar palm
Bitter lemon raw
Autumn bliss
To all which you dismiss
Dismiss at too much
Runaway
Just run
You’ll never stop
Never look back
Just tackle what’s in front of you
You’ll lie cheat manipulate
Just to show your right
When all it caused was wrong
You’ll lie awake at night crying
Wishing you never let go
I thought I could say me too
But all you did was like
All those words
I love you

***

You can sit and stare
All you want
Look as deep as you can see
because you still wont see me
And my heart
Will still be broken
And you’ll never know
What I know
All this can be
Im lonely
So your name arises
But don’t think its more than loneliness
When I see straight
There no such you
And your nothing
 But a regret
And a empty promise
Is what’s offered?
So ill take your
Non-committing compromise
And rack it on your wall of fame
Mounted with all the other hearts broken
because you don’t and wont have mine

***

If I could fly
Id let my heart
Float afar
Fly away to
The farthest star
Through my weakness
To my soul
Into my existence
As love long lost
Tainted love
As stained as your mystery
Want to know you
But im still the rainbow
And you’re my farthest star

***

How do you make the bleeding stop
When you feel what it is your heart desires
The one that you love the most
Is the one?
That hurts the most
He’ll play on your mind
Until the end of time
First love never ends
How do I accept anything less than what my heart tells me I deserve
How do I love him so much?
As to have to let him go
Letting go is what kills the most
His existence reminds me
Of what it is to make it stop bleeding
But my heart wont let go
Even though I need too