Staring at Sobriety

My sobriety date is June 21st. I have been sober for 13 days. Not dry, but sober. Its 5:19AM. I have been up for about an hour. I am with Carissa at Tara’s house dog sitting (along with Dulce, of course). I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I got up to make a dent in my reading goals of the Big Book. I’m glad I did. I read some really fascinating things… I also woke up this morning with a troubled heart, over a relationship with a dear friend. Flor is a major part of my life, and even though I am not holier than thou, I can’t help but to look at her alcoholism/addiction as being a trigger for mine. I guess I’m scared of relapse, but I think mostly I have some falsified resentment towards her. “The bitch has it all”, but is always waiting for the bottom to fall out. I am learning though that I need to stay on my side of the street and meet things like this with grace and humility. There is a lot more to the beauty of my friendship with Flor than our shared alcoholism/addiction. God will deliver this issue, not me.

I started hypothesizing in my head. I always start a mental monologue when there is something I don’t understand or when there is something that I need to justify (mostly justify). I guess I need to examine this too, as it plays a role in me being manipulative and making excuses for things. I can see how part of it is good though, I just need to apply it to examining ideas/concepts in my sobriety.

Anyways…. I was in my head. Thinking about a conversation I had with Flor this past week. It had to do with me sobering up and working the program. She was curious “So you’re never going to have another drink again?”. I of course kept my cool, and confidently told her “No”. I don’t know who I’m fooling with my pretend confidence all the time. Meanwhile, I’m scarred shitless that the statistical prospect of never drinking again (in my head) was impossible. Either way, this morning, after a few revelations from the Big Book, I’m trying to figure out how to justify why I want to sober up. Why doing, is more important than saying (to me).

Well…. I have to examine the remedies I have tried to use with my unknown illness (at the time). I tried getting a new job, I’ve tried getting a new romantic relationship, I’ve tried relocating, I’ve tried going to church more, I’ve tried devoting myself more to work, I’ve tried jogging/working out, I’ve tried getting a dog/pet (Dulce is Mi Vida, but she wasn’t a fix, definite add though), I’ve tried Bible study, I’ve tried going for a drive, I’ve tried suicide, I’ve tried everything but putting action towards actually living. I’ve read the 12 Steps, I’ve gone to some meetings, I have gotten a sponsor, and I am now working on my first step (actually working).

As I’m writing this I am overwhelmed with a sense of acknowledgment. For the first time in my entire life, I am ok. I feel secure in God’s hands. I have known who Jesus was/is since I was 16. He has shown Himself so much to me lately. For the simple fact that I am where I am today (right now), is only His doing. I could have never gotten here alone. Prior to finding AA, I knew I had a problem. I didn’t know what it was. I was scared it was alcoholism/addiction, but it was just another factor in my prayers for restoration. I prayed that God would show me the way. And in the 11th hour (as usual) he answered me. I whole heartedly believe that He brought me to this program. I wouldn’t have gone on my own, and he used his resources (the court) to force me in.

Either way, to be where I am for the past 13 days, could only be attributed to God, Himself. Nothings perfect, but how awesome it is to not have to be scared all the time. God blessed me with a talent for loving life, I just never learned how to live it. I can’t wait to see where He takes me. I can’t get to excited though, I know i need to stay in the moment and do the work needed, RIGHT NOW. One one thousand…