Relax And Take It Easy

I keep reading this… Well, becuase I read page 86-86 in the morning now. How do you relax and take it easy? Billy has helped me realize my underlining issues with my anxiety are not being managed properly. I thought I was coping but I was forced to observe my behaviors when faced with my anxiety and I’m not handling it to well. My sleep and whole day evolves around how severe my anxiety was in the morning.

So I’m trying to distract it now. Sleeping aide right before bed to keep me asleep all night. Morning work out routine, prayer, and meditation. I’m going to try and do my blogging in the morning. So we’ll see how that works.

In the mean time I keep praying for God to help me to “Relax And Take It Easy”…

“You is smart, you is kind, you is important”

I’ve Waited

You don’t know what you do. Every time you walk into a room I’m afraid to move. I’ve waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing thats true. So I will not hide its time to try, anything to be with you. All my life I’ve waited, this is true. ♥

Got Me Sangin!

Constantly, you played through my mind like a symphony. There’s no way to describe what you do to me. You just do to me, what you do. Tt feels like I’ve been rescued and I’ve been set free. You are magical, lyrical, beautiful…

Not Doing It Again

Love doesn’t run and love doesn’t hide. I’m happy.

Blowing In The Wind

I found a new kind of love (for me at least). “One that gives me the courage to be better than I am, not less. One that makes me feel that anything is possible.”

I didn’t know it existed. I heard about it. I always hoped for it. And now that it’s found me, I don’t ever want it to leave.

This Week Sucks Now

Sucks when you look at your schedule and it totally conflicts with what you really want to do or who you really want to see. All in good time, right? NO! I wanted to see him before the 5 day mark.

God Talk

Scripture says that “blessed is he who fears the Lord” (Proverbs 28:14). Scripture also says that “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matthew 10:34)

Well I know there’s a God. I believe that Jesus died for my sins. I believe that He is in full control of my life even though I try to take the steering wheel sometimes. I am fearful that my sin is keeping me from being closer to God. I am even more fearful that the most vulnarable part of me (love) is something that God is going to take from me out of me not putting him first?

I don’t know how to put Him first. I try. I believe that everything in my heart I have to give to Him I do. I know that I am a sinner and that theres is nothing I can ever do (worldly) that will ever make it right.

I just want to know that God loves me and that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I know that the love I look for here on this earth I will only feel in my Gods arms. Its not anything another man/woman/dog could give me. But I will admit the intense feelings of love I feel lately really make me realize that God’s love for me is great.

Lets Be Reminded, Daily. Please.

Life broke my heart. I’m not talking the heart wrenching feeling of loosing someone you love. I’m talking about a down and out feelings of being misplaced. I’m really not sure when it happened or how, but as far back as my mind can take me I remember having this feeling. My Psychiatrists tell me it’s just a chemical imbalance. First I’m manic depressant then I’m bi-polar and now I have an anxiety disorder. Well I’ll tell you what, my belief in God is bigger than any  imbalance in my brain and definitely bigger than my disease. I don’t work a perfect program and I’m still learning everyday. I have been kind of hard on myself recently that I’ve had to take a “break” in life so that I can learn how to do it again. Not many people are afforded the opportunity to push the restart button. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with this opportunity.

I am in such awe of where I stand today. I’m not even standing. I feel like I’m being carried. I am still the same narcissistic, combative, diva I’m known to be, but my heart has begun to mend and I am experiencing levels of love and respect that I never imagined I would. I don’t ever want this to go away and I want God to reveal more to me. Lets see what happens.

Which one thousand is this?

Morning Beauty

Im not sure everyone would agree with my thoughts on this but they are what they are. This morning I was at the Lake Metro Station in Pasadena. I was thinking about my life, the holidays, and a certain someone. This morning was one of those mornings that I woke up and was able to find some peace. The synthetic wind generated from the traffic of the cars on the 210 was blowing its usual mix of solution mixed with the mornings crisp air. I love the weather this time of year. There’s a definite chill but as long as your bundled up,  its almost refreshing.

I found myself overwhelmed by a feeling of appreciation for how fragile life is. I was then reminded of all that’s gone wrong. Man I’ve made a mess. Im exactly where I belong right now…. in this moment.

My Friend

For someone to get you, without them even necessarily knowing it. For someone to speak of their life and you see yours running in parallel on another plain. For someone to have so much direct impact in your life without many actions to do so. For someone’s current tragedy/trial to be one more reason to want to be next to them. For someone to have such (historically) small feet but such a major footprint. For someone to see you before you even realize who “you” are, and believe in the greatness you posses. For someone to come out of your own fabricated woodworks, and say they never really left. For someone to voice their most volatile elements of their life/being and you want to reach through the phone and smack them with how much you believe in them. Where this all means the most? The moment they express sincerity and you choke up with emotion another human being hasn’t been able to (ever) provoke from you before.

The moment you hear their voice and everything feels ok. The romance novel/tragedy in me wants to scream love. The better part of me can’t wait to just see where it all goes.

Ok, I’m willing to put some work into it now…. lol (im such an idiot)